Goat eyes. [Kermit and Cephalopods included.]

Photo by FatKid32

Identifying Goat Eye Syndrome

If a researcher is unsure about whether or not a subject has GES, follow this simple test:

1. Stare in the animal’s eyes. Do you feel as though you are looking at a completely alien life form, one that cannot be influenced by reason or any known persuasion or impetus? Do you feel as though you are staring into the cold, infinite depths of the void, and the void, in turn, is marking you for its own? Do you think it probable Nietzsche was driven mad not by syphilis but by the unrelenting horror captured in this gaze? If so, the beast in question probably has GES.

2. Does the gaze of the animal make you sweat blood and speak in backwards Latin? If so, the beast in question probably has GES.

3. Does the gaze of the creature cause stroke, cardiac arrest, or other vascular distress? If so, the creature probably has GES.

4. Do the creature’s eyes give a feeling of drowning, strangulation, or cold and clammy death? If so, the creature is probably an octopus, and is wrapping you in its tentacles. In this case, grab the tail of a passing swordfish and use it to cut your way loose.


Thanks Boing Boing
and more importantly Professor Eustace P. Toffeynuts III, Ph.D., D.D.T., L.S.D.