Retro Thursday: What were we laughing about in 2008?

In 2008, the Braun Man sent me the most awesome link I have ever received in my entire life.  Unfortunately, there is apparently no online archive for this publication, since google searches for

hockey lsd phish growing marijuana murder bill clinton shithead prison

and similar searches yield no hits.

The original article was written in the 1990's, but republished because of its awesomeness.

The author begins by explaining the delights of playing hockey while on LSD, which he does every morning before going out to sell LSD.  Eventually, he gets caught on a misdemeanor drug charge but the prosecutor offers to drop it if he buys enough LSD from a supplier to get the supplier on a felony charge.  He agrees to do so.  This is where it gets awesome.

The police ask him where he can meet with the supplier.  He knows dozens of places, but is a huge Phish fan and knows that they're playing a concert in town in the near future.  He tells them that the only place he can possibly meet the supplier to buy that quantity of LSD is at the Phish concert, so the police department gets him into the Phish concert for free.

The police also ask him how much money he will need to buy the requisite amount of LSD where a misdemeanor becomes a felony.  He tells them quadruple the amount of money he actually needs, and the police department gives him every penny he asks for.  Once at the concert, he finds the supplier and purchases all the LSD the supplier has, over twice the amount he was supposed to buy.  However, he asked for so much money that he still has a fat stack of money left over, which he pockets.  He returns to the police officer and hands over the amount of LSD he was supposed to purchase, and as the police officer leaves to arrest the supplier, he heads back to the concert to sell the remaining LSD.  Once he sells all the extra LSD, he enjoys the Phish concert.

Now free of his legal difficulties, he realizes that he can make a lot of money growing marijuana.  He buys a suitable house and starts making an extraordinary amount of money selling the marijuana he grows.  But then he lets a guy stay with him, who happens to be crazy.  The crazy guy calls the FBI from the author's land line (remember, this is the 90's) and tells them that he's going to murder then-president Bill Clinton.

The feds quickly arrive, pounding on the door.  He answers and demands to see their warrant.  They inform him that they don't need a warrant when there is a plot to kill the President of the United States.  As they enter, he realizes that he house guest has created this entire situation.  To protect his identity, the author refers to his guest as Shithead.

"You're a shithead, Shithead," he says as he is being arrested for growing an enormous amount of marijuana in his house.

The piece ends with the author speculating on what he'll do once he leaves prison later that year, I believe 1997.  Whatever his plans were, they probably involved listening to the Spice Girls, Notorious B.I.G., and the Aerosmith comeback, and seeing Titanic, the Jurassic Park sequel, Men in Black, the Fifth Element, and Air Force One in theaters.  Miss you so much, 1997.

Note from the editor: This post was double-retro: 2008 and 1997.